Struggle

There are times, a time like this when I am no longer sure what I am supposed to do. To obey an inner calling or pursue what is practical in the light of this financially trying season of my life.

Working to have money to pay the bills and all the necessary daily expenses is the most rational thing to do but there are things that I have to do which blocks my efforts to work as I like.

Faith in believing that God will provide for me as long as I will obey His commands is warring with logical reason. The words, "Do not be afraid" and "Trust Me" are words that I hold on to desperately as I struggle between God's assurance and human logic.

To serve God or to please my family, that is my struggle. To serve God is what is in my heart but if it causes discord in the family, it becomes an arduous task.

Maybe that is the reason why priests are better off single than married because if family concerns will bother them they can not focus in serving God. The saying, "You cannot serve two masters at the same time" is very true because you will either love or hate one over the other.

It is said that it is a sin to live in falsehood, to become attached to one's own judgment is to persist stubbornly in a certain pride that deprives oneself of God's guidance which is all knowing and eternal.

I had been driven by impulses which made me quick with decisions which was what the corporate world demanded. Now, I know impulses are not the smartest way to come to a decision. God should always be consulted in important or trivial matters because whatever we decide affects the people around us not only for the moment but in the next days to come.

So now, what will I do? I will pray for enlightenment and try to accomplish what He wants me to do for Him. Although God is a God of many chances, I cannot be like Jonah all the time and persist with what I like to accomplish.

To struggle with God's order is folly, when can it really penetrate my human mind?